If I’m promoting myself as a rudimentary misogynist with a distinct plan to stick my tongue out at humanity for a brief 8 minutes, shouldn’t I have a decapitated slut in the back seat to prove my point? I mean… To exhibit how serious I am about all of this. Maybe If I park here in front of these trees where the sun casts its glow on my handso- I mean ugly face; It will demonstrate that humanity pales in comparison to nature. I mean, there are a lot of trees back here. Is it too excessive? Does the sun make me look like an egomaniac? It’s practically a spotlight on ME. The last thing I want in this video is a contradiction. Oh! What If I play with the lens on my DSLR to make the steering wheel on my BMW come into focus to blur out my face. Ah, this sun is too bright! I’m not squinting by I’d rather not be in pain while I deliver my excellent monologue that will potentially get me movie roles! What if I put on my sunglasses? Geez, I look like a douche bag! How will my audience be able to see into my soul and notice that I got my eyebrows done particularly for this video?! I look morbidly horrendous. Maybe I should get a haircut first. I’ll look too needy. I’m going for casual. Yeah, just my camera and I. Just sitting in my BMW, nonchalantly talking about killing people. Okay, how should I begin this? It’s got to be all in one shot to make it look natural. Authenticity is what it’s all about when it comes to death threats. Jesus, it’s stuffy in here. I don’t want to roll down my window all the way cause then it looks like I’m an extroverted kind of dude. I’m low on gas so I don’t want to turn on the air conditioner. I’m waiting on a check from my father, then I’ll have all the cool air I want. I’ll crack the window a little; I’ll be in limbo of destroying/desiring humanity, but I’ll be comfortable. ACTION!
“Yo, yo, yo! Elliot Rodger here!” What the fuck? I’m not your friend.
“You’re a dodger fan? I’m a Rodger fan.” Eh, too narcissistic.
“Oh, didn’t see you there, but I’m glad you saw me.” I don’t care about you.
“Hi, Elliot Rodger here.” Simplicity is key, however I wasn’t too crazy about the tone. Oh, you know who I love? The Joker from the Dark Knight. You think people will realize that I’m copying a villain from a fictional movie that I idolize daily? I mean, I’m going for sinister. I’m taking something and I’m turning it into my own thing; in fact, I think I’m making it better.
I don’t know what to say next… Oh! My dad will know what to do! RING! RING! RING! He always waits till the last ring.
“Hello?” An unknown woman’s voice is heard.
“Hello respectable young woman with a lovely voice who I will never kill or rape because we are equal individuals in society.” I think I’m playing this off very well.
“Ehh, what is your reason for this call?” Oh, she wants to choke my cock until it’s exploding with white fluids, leaving a display all over her overcompensating push up bra!
“May I please speak with my father?”
KESHA PLAYS WHILE I AM ON HOLD. I put the phone on speaker because I just can’t get enough. I sing along. ”WHAT YOU GOT BOY IS HARD TO FIND. I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. I’M ALL STRUNG OUT NOW. MY HEART IS FRIED. I JUST CAN’T GET YOU OFF MY MIND.” Ahh, she’s such a SLUT, SLUT, SLUT. ”Hello,” My father is on the phone.
“Yes, father. I’m making a video in which I threaten humanity because you were never there for me growing up henceforth I need some attention from the public. I can’t seem to think of what to say.”
“Hold on son, let me transfer you to Jennifer Lawrence who would be more than happy to help you out. I’m kind of busy raising a daughter.”
KESHA SINGS TO ME MELODICALLY ”Jennifer Lawrence speaking.” Ah, what a slut.
“Yes, you’ve been known to receive critical acclaim for your films and even gain attention from your fans for just being you. Take for instance, tripping on the red carpet TWICE or throwing up in front of Miley Cyrus. You know how to get attention from the crowd. I’m making video in which I threaten to destroy humanity. But I can’t think of the proper things to say to convey my message. What do you think I should say, respectable 23 year old woman I would never objectify?”
“Sounds easy. First and foremost, lets start with tone. Heath Ledger is always my favorite pick in terms of death threats. You won’t sound pretentious at all. I’m going to give you a list of words to say that will not sound repetitive or silly at all. Write this down. DESTROY, ANNIHILATE, RETRIBUTION, VENGEANCE, and you should stress how much humanity disgusts you. Now, is this something coming out of passion or are you just seeking attention for a movie role or something?”
“Definitely just want attention, but I don’t want to show that.”
“Is this a growing up without a father thing?” Jennifer Lawrence is such a slut.
“Oh yes, without a doubt.”
“Okay, than you certainly need to convey that you’re a kid who gives off the impression that your outlook has been distorted by excessive viewings of pornography, television, and movies, giving you exceedingly high expectations and false hope; essentially, that there was just no moderation growing up. That you spend the majority of your life playing video games. That’s where using a gun makes sense in all of this.”
“Wait, you think I should actually act on the threats?”
“Oh yeah! Absolutely, unless this a ALL BARK AND NO BITE kind of thing.”
“Well, when you put it that way…”
“Use a gun. Act on your threats. You’ll be on TV in no time! Isn’t that cool?!”
“Infamy?”
“Oh, one last thing before I let you go! You need to have an effective giggle after the evil things you say. Somewhat of a KILL ALL, insinuation giggle. It won’t sound silly at all. Everyone that watches your video will take you seriously. No one will laugh at your giggle… Depending on your execution of the giggle of course. I have to go and be famous and get attention the clinically sane way. Godspeed, Elliot Rodger!”
Jennifer Lawrence's Facial Ingredients 