Jennifer Lawrence, Reluctantly, But Oh So Honestly Lists Her Flaws

there were definitely expectations.. you completely exceeded

gracefully making my SEPTEMBER 6 2014 morning

please tell me more about these testicles

when did you know you GOTTA HAVE THEM

?

your first lover?

2nd

3rd

wait

Did you put the time and date to document this?

are you lying?

this is text message

i can’t imagine you saying this in person

i have these dogs

that bark at other dogs on the street

but they NEVER bite

or lick testicles
see where I’m going with that?

AUTHORS NOTE: You date a lot of messages for some reason.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Hahahaha I’m not lying. And this isn’t a text. This

is on your computer. And of course I wouldn’t say it in person because

you can’t…. Oh my goodness! Have you been recording our car

conversations ?!? I’m completely just kidding. It was my first lover..

You’re saying I’m all bark and no bite? That’s a phrase my stepmother

uses. Well there’s no way for you to really know other than to trust

me

You: Idk why… but.. i TRUST you JENNIFER LAWRENCE.. why wouldn’t you

say it in person?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Because you can’t document it in person and have

the physical proof like you can this text message.

AUTHORS NOTE: I’M FUCKING SCARED FOR MY LIFE. I FEEL LIKE SHE’S

LOOKING STRAIGHT AT ME!

You: so you’re trying to help me make a JENNIFER LAWRENCEnovel

haha

trust me once you finish JUSTINE

you’ll know that i couldn’t do that to you

you’re too special

cheesy i know

sue me

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Somehow I feel like you say that to a lot of girls

you player haha

You: haha you must believe me that you are the first life form i have

bonded like this in a long.. long time! special is hard to say.. hard

to write..

that goes synonymously with IDEAL

its tough for me

i don’t talk to people for hours after work

or go to ice cream

or talk till late at night

my actions must demonstrate that you are of VALUE to my existence

you are… special

but then again you’ve had asshole bf’s and been around a lot of jerks

so completely understand why you would have your armor up

AUTHORS NOTE: You say this more than once in your time knowing her.

You:

its fine..

keep it up..

in time you will find that i was being.. GENUINE..

wake up your “husbfriend!”

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: You used ideal with Justine and you go to Denny’s

and get donuts and go not swimming in a pool being too loud with

people after work….

You: time to go to work

1 am!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE:  Hahaha he doesn’t work weekends =P But thank you 🙂

You: JUSTINE: EXPERIMENT! LOLITA: LUIS REVENGE/ ASHLEY ROCK HOLDER:

COULDN’T SLEEP, HAD WRITERS BLOCK AND WAS CURIOUS ABOUT HER

CONTRADICTION  WITH GOD AND DRUGS.. thought it would make an

interesting story to write  but just left a really bad flavor in my

mouth

AUTHORS NOTE: Speaking of contradictions.. well.. You’ll see.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Your dentist must like them then

You: The Saturday with JENNIFER LAWRENCEand “husbfriend”

JENNIFER LAWRENCE:  WHAT!??? Spoiler alert! I’m only on page 119 of

138! AHHH hahaha no adventures planned just yet. Maybe going to my

dad’s since he works Sunday so Sunday night dinner might be Saturday.

But nothing else planned. You work? Doing anything else?

You: WOAH, you past me by 20 pages! I expected you to fall asleep!

when you say going to dads (to show him tattoo).. you’re going with

“husbfriend” as well right? left him out of the sentence. working sat

and sun before and after just a lot of reading/writing.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Yes “husfriend” always comes with me. Him and my

dad get along so well. They are like the same person just different

ages. That’s why I’ve never told him why my parents divorced. I don’t

want him to change how he think about my dad and change their

relationship.

Just finished it all. She didn’t commit suicide.

You threw a rave?

AUTHORS NOTE: Please let’s stop talking about JUSTINE. JENNIFER

LAWRENCEisn’t a sequel or anything.. we’re not resurrecting anyone

from the dead to make a profit.

You: Woah, you actually read it. You weren’t bored? Didn’t fall

asleep? I mean you are reading somebody else’s life. Is the music

still playing in the background? Were you eating something?

You couldn’t have been in the same position this whole time.

Does “he” talk in his sleep?

Moan?

Sneez.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Nothing like that with him.

You: He’s completely out? Think too much before sleeping

Recap day

Think of how I could’ve made something funnier

Or more awkward

But he just knocks out

Lucky guy

Must be because you’re around

You’re like his guardian

His physical lullaby

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Nope. Music stopped and didn’t eat. Never left the

bed. Laid down on my stomach. Sat back up. Laid on my back. Flipped to

my stomach. I loved all the author notes though. Best part.

AUTHORS NOTE: You’re making me blush!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: He sleeps talks a little but it’s usually about

work or cars.

We started the movie and his head was on my right breast and he

knocked out instantly.

I knew a person who slept with panty hose on their head because they

were scared of spiders crawling in their ears and laying eggs. Not him

though

You recap your day because, “it could’ve been better.” What could’ve

been better about today? (Today as in September 5th because I don’t

think it’s tomorrow yet because I haven’t slept and woke up yet)

You: Sounds comfortable. Out of all the things to wear.. Panty hose

seemed like the best choice. Interesting. AUTHORS NOTE made me laugh a

lot. Completely forgot about that. Should’ve hugged you in front of

ice cream place because with all due respect a side sitting a hug with

a divider is abysmal compared to a standing amazing tight embrace.

Your hugs are so nice. There are hugs that are weak.. i’ve been around

the block with hugs JENNIFER LAWRENCE

there are hugs with the butts sticking out

no pelvic region touch

then theres a quick hug

tight but lacks intimacy

did you go to hugging school or something

you have this technique that is unheard of

i suppose you really have to want it in order

to hug to your full potential

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: What can I say? I’ve been told I’m the talented

hugger. *brushes off shoulder*

Since you’ve had so many jobs before. How long do you expect to stay

at Olive Garden?

You: This is the one job I feel.. The only time it feels like work is

when there’s rush hour. It’s fun everyday and love to walk in and meet

new people everyday. And the beauty of it is that it’s like only 30-40

minutes of each individual person so I never have enough time to mess

up and ruin everything. I never served in my life so when I learned

that a waiter waits I was shocked! When I was a supervisor at CVS I

was the boss when manager was not around.. Had a whole company to

myself for the night shift and was getting paid very well.. 40 hours

w/ overtime. But lots of stress and not the same experience with

people because the people stay in a retail environment completely

lost.. With a restaurant they can find ther way around their menu

Making any sense sorry

Went off on tangent there

..

You: You have fallen into slumber.  Thank you for reading my work.

Just in case “husbfriend” reads this I will make it my priority first

thing in the morning to buy extra/back up tires. Sweet dreams,

JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

AUTHORS NOTE: Little back story there: “husbfriend” slashed JENNIFER

LAWRENCE’s ex-boyfriend tires.

9/6/14, 11:01 AM

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: So sorry for falling asleep on you!

You: Don’t apologize,JENNIFER LAWRENCE. In all actuality you did warn

me that you would fall asleep. I like to think of it as a good

thing… In the sense that you fell asleep on the digital me…

Digital head on the digital shoulders… Digital hand on the digital

right side of your temple… Digital snores etc. Good morning,

JENNIFER LAWRENCE. You reaching for that cereal box?

…..

You: Tonight I will recap my day and know that I should’ve wrapped up

that paragraph by concluding with, “what can I say, I’m a digital

optimist.”

AUTHORS NOTE: I could’ve edited that so you did, but love torturing you.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Don’t think that tonight. I did read that last

sentence after that paragraph.

AUTHORS NOTE: JENNIFER LAWRENCEdoes that a lot.

JENNIFER LAWRENCEq:A cereal now!? Are you crazy? That’s dinner!

No breakfast for me. The “husfriend’s” mom cooked enchiladas for lunch

so I’m saving room. How was the rest of your night after I

disappeared?

You: Your “husbfriend” is alive? I don’t want to be the reason you

look down while he’s looking up at your pretty freckles. Don’t want

him to get frustrated with you. UNLESS he always texts in front of you

then by all means lets NEVER stop. After you slumbered i did something

that will shock you… I periodically correspond with this German who

lives in NY. He’s the only reason i have a TWITTER account. He

received his Phd In american literature and started an account

@Neinquarterly also why i wanted to learn German. He tweets these very

clever aphoristic/misanthropic jokes.
For instance :

New York: The city that never sleeps.

Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.

Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

A metaphor walks into a bar. Orders the choking dust of ink-stained

regret. With a lime

The best social media strategy: Rage. Plus grammar. A pinch of

dignity. A dash of honesty. A generous sprinkling of irony. And lies.

Sometimes I think that if you didn’t waste your youth in Berlin, you wasted it.

Silence is sexy. Rounded vowels and velar fricatives are sexier.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar. Orders a gin, and tonic.

In German, “war” is past tense. It’d be nice to keep it that way.

what the fuck = ontology.

how the fuck = logic.

how the what the fuck = epistemology.

A subject and a verb walk into a bar. They have a disagreement. They walks out.

At Starbucks I order under the name Godot. Then leave.

AUTHORS NOTE: Was contemplating removing this, but actually kind of like it.

You: essentially what i did

after you fell asleep

is go on twitter and check on how he’s doing

always gives me advice with contemplation of phd

because he is a professor as well

and been through all the years in college

twitter less distracting then Facebook.. back in the day i frequented

Facebook and released my work through there

but then realized it was too time consuming

twitter more of a one night stand

don’t have to add anyone as friend

and see what they’re doing with their lives

nevertheless bon apetit enchiladas!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Hahahaha I see why you like this guy. I love oxford

one. My “husfriend” is not around right now so I’m not being rude and

texting in front of him.

Does this gentleman put posts up in German?

We’re going to go eat lunch so I shall talk to you later.

You: Online Dating: Your last best hope of finding people like you who

don’t like people like you. Love: The only justification for still

using your phone to call someone. Coffee: An alarm clock that only

stops ringing when you’d most like it to continue. Culture: The

cigarette not smoked after not having sex. Marriage: A union of two

souls. On strike. Psychoanalysis: Smoking your father’s cigar on your

mother’s couch. God: A deity who looks like Marx, was pronounced dead

by Nietzsche, and envied by Freud. Romantic Comedy: A sad movie in

love with the box office. Religion: A set of beliefs about why yours

are wrong. Simile: The metaphor’s, like, less articulate cousin.

Failed Intellectual: One who tries to intellectualize one’s failure.

And fails brilliantly. Trust me: If you spend the summer learning

German, it’ll be over before you know it. Freudian Slip: When the

unconscious speaks in tongues. I’d look into the future, but I fear

I’d find myself looking into the past. I remember when being lonely

was something we could do by ourselves. Nothing clarifies a

relationship like 200 boxes of books and a Uhaul. May history forget

us kindly. My narcissism is so much worse than yours. Please enjoy

your day. Not mine. Thank you for shopping at Freud’s. Have a nice

dad. Some day, friends, long after the Internet, they’ll ask about our

loneliness. And we’ll think of each other. A philosopher walks into a

bar. The bar walks out.

German ones: “Tja” is German for “We’re all going to die. All of us.

Eventually. We’re all going to die. Seriously.”

“Eben” is German for “I congratulate you on being nearly as

intelligent as I am, at least in this one particular instance.”

The Tickle Me Werner Herzog I got for Christmas only laughs when I

tell him the universe isn’t utterly indifferent to our pain.

I like my chocolate like my Weltanschauung: German and very, very dark.

Heideggerian Valentine: Once you’ve successfully determined the

essence of being, be mine.

Das Wort zum Sonntag: Entspannungspolitik.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE:
German for beginners:

Lesson 1: the

Lesson 2: the

Lesson 3: the

Lesson 4-7: the

Hahahaha I love this one

AUTHORS NOTE: I do too.

9/7/14, 3:57 AM

JENNIFER LAWRENCE:

If you bike because you don’t like cars, do you still take the bus?

What if you want to go somewhere far like the beach or the mountains?

What about when it rains? I’m getting a bike rack for my car for you

for when it rains.

Is Justine her real name? Why did you only show her pictures and none

of the pictures you sent to her in your story?

So many questions….

9/7/14, 7:45 AM

You:

I wonder what sparked that particular question in regards to my form

of commuting. Seemingly I’m asking myself but I’m in fact veritably

asking you. How was the family dinner with your father? Was there

conflict or was everything filled with joy like a thanks giving

dinner? Speaking of which, who cooks the feast? Is it a collaboration?

Or do the guardians prepare the food  seeing as it is their house.

Howbeit,  I can, without fail, see you wanting to assist them with the

culinary practice while your “husbfriend” synchronously vegetates in

front of a football game inside of a box with a black cable attached

to it.

Where were we? Ah, yes: freightage. That’s another reason I don’t have

a thing with wheels. When I’m sitting down reading a book or writing a

potential academy award winning screenplay I do have temptations about

being on sunset blvd. or laying on the sand watching the water

protrude and recede against the shore but the main reason I would have

a car is to go to the ARCLIGHT theater in Hollywood. They play all the

best movies that they don’t play in San Fernando valley.. That’s

actually the only time I would take a bus. and reach for my

non-existent car keys and instantaneously reminesce how if I did have

a form of transportation I know that it would distract me from my

work.. I would be out every night (learn something new about me:

extremely impulsive to the extent I throw away furniture: couches,

chairs, give mother 42 inch TV

AUTHORS NOTE: We will DEFINITELY come back to you throwing away things.

You: (distraction.. Hate commercials) currently contemplating throwing

away table, never use it (after reading Steve jobs BIO I had fallen in

love with minimalism) but will keep table until November.

AUTHORS NOTE: hahahahahahaha

You: (your birthday!) Mother going to Florida to accept an award for

her outstanding sales in her store  in Calabasas so she will be gone

Tuesday – Thursday stuck with animals reason I mention that is because

realtor will not be able to reach us until then.. we’re getting a

house in I believe west hills and NEED to get rid of table! It’s

killing me. But more cardio because I think I will be further away

from OG. Biked wet many times when going to other jobs and it’s

definitely an experience.. But what are you going to do 😉  you’re far

too compassionate, JENNIFER LAWRENCE. Your “husbfriend” will certainly

NOT ask any questions about a bike rack on your car. I’m not sure how

oblivious he is about your life or how involved he is but just tell

him the rack is for your massage chair, I distrust he’ll know the

difference. Justine is her real name but on my blog everything’s the

same except the name is KATY PERRY. Don’t understand the last

question. Oh, lamentably, i will only see you once this week. My

schedule, for the first time, has changed. I remember Mr. Crumb

wanting me to work more night shifts because he’s confident I’ll make

good tips. Your email has a bed time story but wait till night time to

read it.. It’s spooky.

9/7/14, 8:47 AM

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: So no car talks.  I’m not going to like that. But

good for you and Crumb’s confidence in you.

Dinner was all great because I brought vodka. Drinking and barbecuing

hot dogs out side while the boys swim and we talked. The dogs like it

better when we’re out there too spending time with them. I did learn

during dinner that my older sister, Sabrina, is now engaged. We also

looked at model homes as well with solar panels.

When is your birthday?

Congratulations to your mom! How exciting! Seeing as you weren’t so

excited in your message I’m assuming this happens pretty frequently?

And moving is always exciting. Let me know if you two need help

driving everything from your condo to your new house.  Maybe you’ll

find a nice spot for your table in there? West Hills? Please don’t

transfer to that Olive Garden.

I’ve wanted a bike rack for my car since I’ve bought it. We take trips

to Big Bear to mountain bike so it will have multiple purposes.

AUTHORS NOTE: You will be doing a lot of this here.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: My last question was, in your story about Justine,

whenever you wrote, “she sends a picture,” you showed the picture. But

whenever you wrote, “I send her a picture,” you never showed it like

you did hers. Except for once when it was a picture of your feet up.

But otherwise, you never did.

Just curious.

I’m excited for the next one.

YOU:

I have this personal fascination with a fictional character that i

have learned a lot from.. his name is SHERLOCK HOLMES. I read a couple

books about the critical analysis of how he is so brilliant and the

advice is: treat your brain like an attic.. store the things that are

only of value to you and remove the things that are not so important..

the more you remove the more significance/benefits you’ll have with

the things you kept in your attic/BRAIN. That also goes for how easy

it will be to remember the things you kept… because NO CLUTTER.

(FOOTNOOT: also goes for EXPERIENCE.. for instance: being invited to

party.. chose not to go because didn’t think it would benefit attic…

sex life… stop at 10 women because you’ve realized that being

successful is much more important to potentially take care of the

person you do choose to engage with… however LUST is tricky.)  So i

think i have purposefully neglected cars.. trust me.. daniel kruger

(concussion dude) worshipped cars and would get off on them whenever

we drove anywhere… another acquaintance i was having dinner with saw

a car outside and began taking pictures with it.. screaming out NICE

CAR on the road.. that also goes for SEAN STANLEY (a person.. long

story) who loves sports.. loves football.. knows every team all the

players and what makes them the best.. i intentionally tune out

because i don’t want my attic to get full.. however i’d be willing to

make an exception for YOU… i’m a great actor! Congrats on the

engagement! Do you think its good idea?

AUTHORS NOTE: Here we go.

You:  In JUSTINE i wanted my readers to believe that they were in the

relationship with JUSTINE.. thats why there were always

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ when my name was supposed to be there.. wanted

readers to fill in the blank.. i felt that if i put my face to the

story it would take them out of the illusion… also in the

beginning.. 1st page it says the blood is on YOUR hands.. I AM only

the witness….. wanted it to be quite torturous for the reader as

well because its almost like a simulator.. no matter how much you feel

for JUSTINE you can’t change the INK… you can’t try to make her

leave.. when the protagonist leaves.. maybe you want to stay and

console her.. maybe the reader fell in love with JUSTINE.. the only

thing the reader can do is jump to the beginning when things were

happy.. when YOU didn’t screw everything up. Saw the picture at work

on my break and made me feel good but also frightened me.. too kind of

you to take photo.. people stop talking to me after JUSTINE but then

again here you are.. we work together so you’re kind of stuck WITH me

regardless of how deep you stick your body into the water (skinny

dipping) metaphorically in NICK STEWART. The NEXT ONE  ( you’ll wish

you had not read) will push you away. Be completely honest okay..

you’re too kind of a person.. i would understand if your perspective

changes.. i mean you had dinner with JOHN! You allow LOLITA to vent!

Your kindness is nice but must be absolutely indubitable with me. Tell

me about your day off.

AUTHORS NOTE: There’s a reason why your name is stated in JENNIFER

LAWRENCE. We’ll get to why later.

You: JENNIFER LAWRENCE! Don’t think you’ll see me this week BUT Your

turn! Tell me about these solar panels with your “husbfriend” sounds

like you’re spending a lot to save.. who’s idea is this?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Oh that was nothing. Just looking at model homes

for fun. Learned it’s only worth to get solar panels if you buy it

with the house, not so much to install it. How was your weekend? How

was work?

You: Have lots to tell you! Are you paying a lot of money for your

trade school? Are you paying through loans? Are you currently in bed?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Schools paid off and yes in bed. So tell me how was

your weekend and work!

…

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I told “husfriend” about you and how I was reading

your stories you emailed me. He fell asleep while I was reading Clare.

Why are you avoiding telling me about your weekend?

You: How could you tell him about me if I don’t exist, JENNIFER

LAWRENCE? Because you haven’t been pulling your own weight around this

chat room. Tell me about your day.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Hahahaha I’ve answered everything you’ve asked me

so far! Your turn

AUTHORS NOTE: SKIPPING YOU.

You: Please do me HUGE favor

JENNIFER LAWRENCE:  of course. what is it?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Tell me all of your flaws… Every centimeter of

every flaw.. I, for one, have not witnessed one..Its serial. Assist

me, JENNIFER LAWRENCE.do me This favor

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Will you return the favor?

You: You’ve read my work.. These women have stated all my flaws,

albeit with a tad of exaggeration for narrative purposes but will try

my best to find something they didn’t say.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: That’s their opinion. I want yours.

You: Don’t hold back.
Sounds good. Your level of specificity will help

me convey just as well.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Physical flaws?

You: We all go to college to recieve a well rounded education… I

want to go to JENNIFER LAWRENCEschool of flaws.. EVERYTHING.

AUTHORS NOTE: This is cute.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE:

Hello. I’m ms.dr.prof. JENNIFER LAWRENCEZarina Mundel. For the first

day of class we will start with some thing simple. PHYSICAL flaws.

Please save all questions till the end of class. Thank YOU. From head

to toe. The hair… Way too thin. At the moment, my right side of my

hair is distinctively shorter than the left due to failed hair color

experiments. The eyes. One is broken. Does not look to the right.

People flinch then stare if they ever tend to notice. Moving down to

the torso. Boobs are fairly smaller than my buttocks. Some say, “pear

shaped.” Not ideal. Although I do have a small waist and stomach, my

buttocks and thighs are rather large due to about 13 years of playing

soccer and building those muscles. (On the bright side my “husfriend”

is an “ass man” so he LOVES it. So I got lucky there.) Down to my

toes. My second toes are longer than my first. My older sister always

told me growing up that, that means I am deformed.

Now. Please spend some time to participate in this class by responding

with flaws of your own. Thank YOU!

You:

Good evening, I’m Dr…………, but you can call me ……. because I intend to

sleep with my students so fuck formalities. PHYSICAL FLAWS:

AUTHORS NOTE: YOU’RE BORING. SKIP!

You: I believe it is your turn.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Scars are not flaws. They’re stories. But that’s

just my opinion Doctor. *ahem* I mean ….. Since I do not intend to

sleep with you, Doctor, I shall address you as Doctor. Anyhoo, DOCTOR,

what shall be next? Flaws. Flaws are really just opinions. And in my

professional opinion as a professor doctor, JENNIFER LAWRENCEZarina

Mundel has no “flaws.” She is perfect…. HAHAHAHA I’m totally just

kidding. There’s a flaw. Cracks herself up/talks to herself. I think

too much and create problems that aren’t there. I stress extensively

over making sure others are happy but never worry about myself which

isn’t good for my personal growth. I have a loud, obnoxious laugh and

I laugh at things that are not funny. I have a strange, random sense

of humor that always makes me laugh at random, not intentionally funny

moments in a movie which embarrasses that person accompanying me in

the movie theatre. I have a really hard time talking about my

feelings. My “husfriend” literally sits with me for more than one hour

waiting for me to finally be able to put into words how I actually

feel. I was raised to hide our feelings, not express them. When I was

telling you the story about me finding my “husfriend” talking to other

girls and about my father my whole body was shaking. I believe

ignorance is bliss so I tend to not tell people the entire truth to

spare feelings. My, my. The list does go on. But I’m going to stop

here to allow you, Doctor, to participate. I’m thrilled to hear yours.

You: As a professor, who has experienced every foundation that

mistakenly makes me who I am, must withhold such information forasmuch

as your intention to not sleep with me renders our conversation

invalid, which conveniently should be the best answer of all: being

100% flawed. No hope, simply classic despair. Class dismissed. “Turns

off lights” The crickets sing and the credits role over a bewildered,

Professor JENNIFER LAWRENCEZarina Mundel.

AUTHORS NOTE: Well played.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: You did not keep up your end of the deal. good

night then I guess.

You: Sweet dreams, JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

9/8/14, 7:14 PM

AUTHORS NOTE: The next day at work you confront her at the bar and

tell her that you would inform her of all your flaws if she sends you

a photograph without any makeup. You don’t expect for her to say yes.

You: I want you to think of my joy as you’re removing… How happy

you’re making someone feel by doing such a minuscule task.

Making someone learn something new.

Knowing this photo will start a conversation

Forever living in memory

Then I feel it is even.. At least before you go to sleep.

9/8/14, 8:58 PM

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I don’t feel like it is even. You owe me big time

for not holding up your end of our deal mister.

AUTHORS NOTE: Sometimes I forget how old the both of you are.

You: I know it’s difficult to not see the EVENESS (making up words)

but doesn’t the work compensate a little!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Yeah. A little. Not completely. You owe me. So you

finish our conversation from last night and tomorrow morning after I

shower and remove all my make up, before reapplying it, I will snap

chat you a picture. Deal?

You: I was kidding earlier about SNAPCHAT application.. I loathe it

with every fiber of my being..

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Why what happened?

You: Another story for another time… IF you send me photo! I agree

to this new deal to a certain extent. I just genuinely want to see you

without make up. I have never witnessed you this reluctant.. Probably

more reluctant than sleeping with John in NORTH HOLLYWOOD. That says a

lot.

AUTHORS NOTE: John is a former co-worker of JENNIFER LAWRENCEwho

scheduled a massage appointment late at night and almost raped her.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Hahaha shut up. I’m just uncomfortbale with the

idea of you having a picture of me so vulnerable. Of this is such a

minuscule task why do you want it so bad?

AUTHORS NOTE: I think we all know why.

You: The act of holding a phone to your face and pressing on the red

button : minuscule. Sending and allowing me to see it MONUMENTAL!

Think of it as me sending you my work which I don’t do often because

it’s the book in HOW TO HATE ……..  I want to know everything about

you, JENNIFER LAWRENCE. Seemingly the feeling is mutual.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Why do you want to know everything about me?

You: 3 hours after work just to talk. I don’t do that. Maybe it’s

your… Dare I say it.. PERSONALITY… You’re making me break world

records here, JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: So you like my personality? Tell me some things you

think are your flaws. Please.

You: To push my point further: would never give Justine time of day..

Sitting down 3 hours with her;  rather slit my wrists.. Clare 3 hours

of her talking about her luxurious collection of iPhone cases .. (Sent

this message on bike before you messaged then received a call) the

list goes on JENNIFER LAWRENCE. And somehow your faults have NOT fazed

me.. But made me like you more!! They were all so cute! I enjoy your

personality. Don’t ever change. You can make people (generalizing)

fall in love without even trying. Or fall… ON YOU.

AUTHORS NOTE: In reference to John. Sometimes you are funny.

You:  You get my point. If I tell you my faults.. You’ll send photo?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: You get home safe?

You: I did indeed. You’re either extremely considerate or really want

to avoid that photo… perhaps BOTH. You in bed?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Yes I am. Are you? Or at your desk?

You: Desk, consuming mexican dish.

What are you doing in bed?

“husbfriend” asleep

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Watching how I met your mother. Yes he is. Did your

mom make Mexican for dinner?

You: amazing show! have you seen beginning to end? i’ve cried so much.

did you see the ending? series finale?

AUTHORS NOTE: You made sure to re-watch the finale just for HER.

You: highly recommend you watch arrested development

very smart show

funniest show next to

its always sunny

seinfeld

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: There money in the banana hut!

You: curb your enthusiasm

NO WAY! you’ve seen it!

i rewatch episodes

because their scripts are so geniusly

plotted

especially

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Just the first two seasons.

You: SEASON 4

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: And I love always sunny. HILARIOUS

You: get out of here maybe thats why we’re so in sync

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Haven’t finished how I met your mother yet but I

have already heard how it ends.

You: they’ve crafted our sense of humor

charlie day amazing

u gotta buy these

cat mittens

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Hahaha when he cuts his jeans to make shorts and

then goes,  “what’s white trash about this!?”

You: hahaha

the office

and parks and rec is also really great

party down

extras

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Watched the office from beginning to end twice.

Never seen parks and Rec though. LOVE party down.

You: okay now you’re KILLING ME (same here) and PARTY DOWN is so

neglected but a cult hit

AUTHORS NOTE: I’m skipping over this TV bullshit.. however THE OFFICE

plays a role in this later on.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Keeping that white shirt clean and not having your

tie fall in soup as you’re cheering it. Ugh.

You: according to you.. you have an obnoxious laugh.. it doesn’t wake him up?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: It is! Hahahaha

It does actually haha a lot. but he’s a heavy sleeper, he never

remembers waking up.

You: If i send you faults will you send photo? OR is it not worth it?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: an agreement to never show any person/human

being/soul? Can I trust you to keep it to yourself?

You: JENNIFER LAWRENCE, i can’t believe its this serious but you

shouldn’t have to ask. i don’t have any friends. TRUST ME.

AUTHORS NOTE: Pardon me, but FUCK YOU.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: You don’t understand. I’m really self conscious.

You owe me 2 huge stories and soooo many flaws

You: and its not that you think you’re ugly, right? its that you look

like a little girl? be honest.. what makes you self conscious, i mean

it is you.. make up doesn’t make you who are.. certainly is an

illusion but not JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I’m just not comfortable being seen without make

up. For whatever the reason.

You: you don’t know the reason

perhaps

lose sex appeal?

too used to make up JENNIFER LAWRENCE

even after being reassured by your “husbfriend” that you look great

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Too used to make up me

Eh, he’s just saying that to be nice haha

You:

i’m not nice

so you’ll get the truth with me

BAM

free fault there

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: HAHAHAH that’s not a fault. One of my faults was

that I’m not truthful like you say you are. Therefore yours is not a

fault. BAM!

You: ha! tomorrow i will get the photo?

i’m not sleeping tonight

because i have things to tend to

so what time will i be expecting?

9am?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: No I work at 9. More like 7…7:30…ish. Around

then haha maybe 8. Idk. Ahhhh… I’m nervous. What things are you

attending to? Booty call perhaps?

You: the earlier the better, JENNIFER LAWRENCE. You will make me very

happy. It will demonstrate the strength of our bond. .. ha, no. I’m

not Barney! I may have the potential  but must refrain from doing so

due to writing.

really want this pic.. yes surprisingly more than nude pic believe it or not.

just need your official confirmation

then i will begin HUMILIATING TRANSACTION

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Sorry if I distract you by texting you all night.

You can always tell me when you have to go. And yes. I’ll do it.

You: Ha, you will not stay up all night JENNIFER LAWRENCE. I can

assure you that when you fall asleep (on digital me)  the REAL work

begins.

Thank you, JENNIFER LAWRENCE. Your “I’ll DO IT” made me smile.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Do you do any drugs?

AUTHORS NOTE: Out of respect I should probably stop informing you that

I’m skipping over you, right?

Jennifer Lawrence’s Verbal Vomit Converts to Profound Confessions

Tags

blow job, confessions, hunger games, jennifer lawrence, sex

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Is the taste of me still on your tongue?

You: Never left.

…

You:  Do you really wait till 2am to be your “husbfriends” cordial

alarm to go to work? BTW never ask me why “husbfriend” will

perpetually remain in quotation marks. You make me lose my virginity

in every way.. Extremely new to texting. Words so small.. Phone so

bright.. Feel like an old man. It’s good thing.. I’ll acclimate. What

movies did you get? Was going to call you as I was leaving  because

there was a… You know.. Those things.. On wheels… Go fast.. And

stuff.. There was a show of that in the Target parking lot.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I know! At Bob’s Big Boys right?! Every Friday

night! (I typed Friday night and the auto correct changed it to fiesta

night and I can’t stop laughing) I used to go every Friday but it’s

the same cars. Thank you though for thinking of me.

You know there are ways of making the words bigger and screen less

bright old man. You’re a smart man, you’ll find it in the settings.

But thank you for taking the time to text me.

We got The Lovely Bones, Lords of Salem and Get Him To The Greek. He

fell asleep literally in the first 10 minutes of The Lovely Bones. I’d

love to read your story(ies) tonight.

How has your night been since we’ve parted ways?

You: Always being thought of.. Remember, JENNIFER LAWRENCE: FLAVOR.

However I’m scared Of toothbrush/mouthwash.. Oh and floss is the

worst. My dentist who attended USC thinks you’re bad for me,

nevertheless I beg to differ.

AUTHORS NOTE: There really is a lot of irony at the end of this with

the FLAVOR & visiting the DENTIST. Morbid metaphorical oral hygiene.

You: Get him to the Greek (saw it in theaters twice and couldn’t stop

laughing: HILARIOUS! Ever seen it? A part of me dies inside when

someone falls asleep during a cinematic presentation. Are you sure,

JENNIFER LAWRENCE? I’ll send one and if you like it and want another

let me know. NIGHT AFTER FUN TIME WITH JENNIFER LAWRENCE: ride bike

home while listening to Arcade Fire thinking about JENNIFER

LAWRENCEand the funniest/coolest thing she proposed: “let me put my

head on your lap to make her think I’m giving you a blow job!”

Thinking to myself: JENNIFER LAWRENCEis so great. Then RED BULL. Then

GYM 2hr. Then LITERATURE. Then watch mother enjoy shots of patron

while making her think I’m drinking too (FOOTNOTE: JENNIFER

LAWRENCEwas right about just drinking the cranberry juice while that

forgotten 36 year old drank all the vodka by herself on the beach)

then made mother cry by showing her a clip from a Spanish film that is

quite touching and demonstrates beloved children and how moms work

excessively hard for them. Essentially showing her why I chose the

profession I’m pursuing. Her face covered in tears.. Me wiping them..

And telling her, “that’s why I like writing because I want to make

people feel something whether you’re crying or laughing.” She

instantaneously laughs while the tears roll down her cheeks.

Practiced piano.

Eating Caesar salad with pizza, egg parm, and wings while responding

to a message how JENNIFER LAWRENCE’s flavor stays in my mouth..

Oh wait.. We have arrived back to each other.. Digitally. Will edit a

couple things and let you know when I send

And YOU?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Okay. Texting does not work for us. We are writing

essays to each other. But I love it.

AUTHORS NOTE: You really are writing essays to each other but I’ll

probably cut YOU out because this novel is called JENNIFER LAWRENCE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: All dentist think I’m bad. I cause cavities.

Because I’m too sweet! Haha see what I did there? 😉

And YES! I’m dying to read your work 🙂

What gym do you go to and what book did you read?

You’re so sweet to your mother and I think that’s amazing because all

the work she has done to raise such an amazing, intelligent,

manipulative, player of a man.

I think piano is the most beautiful instrument.

AUTHORS NOTE: We will also be coming back to the piano. PAY ATTENTION

TO THE DETAILS.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: And myself… Hmm.. Picked up my “husfriend” and

went to Fry’s. Which was AMAZING! I have always gone to the one, I

believe, in Topanga with the Alice in Wonderland theme. This time we

went to the Burbank one with with alien theme. It was so creatively

done, I was amazed! Then went to Von’s to get cereal for dinner and

now The Lovely Bones is almost over and here we are 🙂

…

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: This is a picture I took of one of the army men

from the alien invasion at Fry’s. Hope you think it’s as funny as I

did =P

AUTHORS NOTE: You really don’t find it funny, in fact, I really don’t

understand what you see in her.

You: i was actually just going to mention our essays but it definitely

means something… something profound. I did see what you did there!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE.. where have you been all of my life?! I frequent LA

fitness. Trying to read David Foster Wallace: INFINITE JEST (supposed

to be one of the hardest books to read ever along with james joyce

ULYSSES (read it.. AMAZING) and Thomas Pynchon Gravity’s Rainbow (have

it and have failed many times but will soon get back to it) the

complex/intricate works are what  gets me going but need LOTS OF

COFFEE AND SUGAR FREE RED BULL. Like i said I’m doing soon so must

finish as quickly as humanly possible. HA, PLAYER!? I can’t respond as

eloquently/emphatically as i do in person but hopefully you can

imagine me being absolutely dismissive to that notion and utterly

overwhelmed by the tremendous plethora of compliments you bestow upon

my unworthy mind.. because you can always do better. i’ll play piano

for you some time.. only know like two songs.. don’t know if you know

that one song SAY SOMETHING i’m giving up on you.. i’m not saying that

to you, JENNIFER LAWRENCEand never would thats just what the songs

called.. and mozart is extremely painful to learn but one day at a

time. it was like you were walking into the happiest place on earth

except in reality it’s HELL for the employees considering its RETAIL

but the illusion of astonishment is nice.. hold on to it, JENNIFER

LAWRENCE. cereal for dinner! You’re not going to be able to go to

sleep.. cereal is for throwing you out in the day with lots of B

vitamins and fiber! what cereal!? don’t tell me.. LUCKY CHARMS. I know

you love marshmallows.

Story officially sent… i sent as pdf file.. let me know if you have

trouble with the file.

AUTHORS NOTE: We come back to the piano and cereal at the end.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: That song got released the day after my sister’s

asshole boyfriend broke up with her and she played it over and over

and over…. and over….. And over……… And ovvverrrrr again. So

yes, I know the song. It is a beautiful song and I’d love to hear you

play it.

AUTHORS NOTE: SPOILER ALERT: You never do.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: ”You can always do better” I feel that is a very

sad thing to say. Which, by coincidence, is exactly what I was talking

about to an elderly gentleman at work on Wednesday when I was an SP

(service professional). He was at table 73 all alone and I asked him

how his day had been (because I know he wakes up at 6 every morning

since I have spoken with him many times) and how his food was and that

was exactly what he said. “It can always be better.” And I told him,

“sir. That is quite a depressing way to look at things.” But then he

went on to explain how it is true. But I personally believe that it’s

sad to think that because then it seems like one could never be truly

happy. But anyways, I’m ranting now.

No, it wasn’t lucky charms because they didn’t have chocolate lucky

charms so I got coco crisps instead. And although you are right, it is

good to start the day with, but it is also good to start a night with.

Trick the mind a little.

Sorry if I am distracting you from any reading or plans you are doing.

I’m going to check my email 🙂

Love the title

Spare?

You: HAHA I know! Was multitasking and didn’t have to time to polish

it up! Haven’t visited this piece of work since the beginning of the

year. Good catch! LOVE JENNIFER LAWRENCERANTS.. PLEASE SPOIL ME WITH

THEM. But in terms of contexts: theres food and then theres self

improvement. I never want to die satisfied.. i want to die HUNGRY.. i

want to die STRIVING.

Are you reading on IPhone?

Does “husbfriend” snore?

Are you laying down on his hips?

Are you wearing something comfortable?

How many lights are off?

I’m assuming one is on.

Hair is down.

Shower? No?

Shower.. MORNING? YES.

Doesn’t eye liner get on pillow?

Yes.

So you use make up remover by massacring cotton balls before you go to sleep

AUTHORS NOTE: Your wierd questions will never end, so ladies and

gentleman, please get comfortable.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I am reading on my iphone as I have no other

technology to read an email. And he wasn’t just talking about food but

about life and how his wife has passed. He is a sweet old man who

spits when he talks.

I don’t want to die satisfied. I’d rather die… plainly… happy.

He snores when he’s sleeping on his back so no snoring right now. I am

sitting up cross legged as my yoga pants stretch and become slightly

see through. As my baggy, comfy tank top lightly falls over the tip of

my… Nevermind. And my hair is up, out of my face so I can read every

word that you send me with no distractions. As for lights. No lights

are on. Just the glow of the tv faintly lighting up the room as the

lovely music from the lovely bones main menu music floats around.

I shower in the morning and sleep with my make up on because I am too

self conscious to ever take it off.

Are you in your room as we speak?

I can only picture you on top of a huge bed, very high off the ground

with a lamp by your bed side so you can read your complicated books.

And I can only picture you in your all black work cloths. Do you even

own sweats or any other pants than banana republic slacks? P.s. I love

your attention to detail.

AUTHORS NOTE: JENNIFER LAWRENCEis crazy for answering all of you wierd

questions. Like I said, get comfortable.

You: Ah… JENNIFER LAWRENCEyou gave me an erection. ah.. You are too

kind to me. You certainly painted a picture of (whisper: JENNIFER

LAWRENCELATE AT NIGHT) One of these days you must show me without your

makeup! I’m practically showing you my body naked with my work so you

need to somehow play fair.  i’m sitting at my desk with my work

clothes (banana republic pants still on) GEEZ, YOU’RE GOOD! I read

somewhere that regardless if i’m pursuing comedy/writing/cinema i must

always treat it like i’m studying for my bar exam.. met a lot of

pharmacist with big bags underneath their eyes because they rarely

slept due to all the work in college.. so i can’t sleep till LATE,

LATE MORNING MORNING.. whether they are letters, novels, plays,

movies, screenplays I MUST GLUE MYSELF TO THIS DESK.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Why must you do this? Do you want bags under your

eyes? That can’t look good on film…. =P

You: actors wear LOTS OF MAKEUP. BTW please let me know when you’re

getting tired and must fade away towards your subconscious. don’t want

to keep you up. I’m typing you from my computer so it’s much easier

for me to type

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I’m not tired just yet. And I know your bed time is

1:00 am so we’ll see if we make it that far. Will you be upset if I

did doze off and not say good bye or good night? Which reminds me! I

did have a dream with you in it last night! I woke up with a very

faint memory of what actually happened and what the story line really

was but what I did and what I still do remember is yourself and my

“husfriend” and I were on a journey together to save my little sister,

Daniella, from a dangerous situation she was in and our journey was on

a long wooden bridge, like in Shrek when they go to Princess Fiona’s

castle, and as we were trying to walk across the dangerous bridge as

lightly as we could be I was freezing and you offered me your boxer

briefs to keep me warm…? Hahahaha that’s all I remember and I still

do not understand why that happened but it did keep me warm. Really

random. Do you even wear boxer briefs?

Oh. And I finished your story. Please send more. 🙂 and thank you 🙂

You: HAHA this dream is thus far your best dream of me..  It seems in

some way or another that, based on two dreams you had of me, and..

quite presumptuously yet unapologetically, potentially more, i’m

assisting you. Your first dream was QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY

WITH \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_  \_

Your second dream is much more sensual/comfortable/ pleasant

considering i’m saving you from the frigid weather. Would’ve loved to

witness your dream like “husbfriends” response to my heroic under

garments! I wear banana republic boxers on weekends and own /wear 4

boxer briefs when i’m reaching laundry day. I wonder if we saved

Daniella.

The next story is a story you that you will not finish tonight and

will potentially grow to hate me.. i suppose you could say this story

is a test of our bond

It’s all TRUE

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Probably. But she’s a smart girl. She probably

escaped on her own.

You: A woman.. A person.. An EXPERIMENT.

AUTHORS NOTE: You’re referring to JUSTINE.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I haven’t hated you yet from what youve told me

You: Explicit pictures will be shown so if you are sensitive to that let me know

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Oooh a story with pictures? Maybe my “husfriend”

will be interested in this one too =P I’m just kidding. I do not

believe I am sensitive to these things for what I have already seen

but I’d like for you to push the envelope. 🙂

I put smiley faces way too much. =|

AUTHORS NOTE: She really does. I’m going to take them all out so just

use your imagination.

You: HAHA

Oh.. it seems as if this file is too large to send over email =/

i think its the photos that the file larger

hold on let me try to compress

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: 😦

AUTHORS NOTE: Okay.. I will remove all faces.

You: ok..

hopefully..

i’ve sent using google drive

see if that works

let me know

show your father the tattoo

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Don’t tell me what to do. =|

Authors Note: Starting now.

You: haha i think he’ll like it

maybe it’ll bring you closer

JENNIFER LAWRENCE:  Does she know about this?

You: Once you finish… THERES A STORY…

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Haha what!?!? This is the story! Is it not!?

You: HAHA its the story

but the answer to your question about her knowing about this

is another story..

its scary

AUTHORS NOTE: You tell her in two months through photographs. I know..

I can’t wait either. Kind of the sequel to JUSTINE so to speak.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Is this scary story another one you have written or

one you will be telling with the grace of your presence?

You: PRESENCE.. with PICTURES you won’t believe

it’ll be like an imperative office meeting with power point presentations

but please take your time with this one..

its tragedy that must be consumed slowly..

slow burn

JENNIFER LAWRENCE:  =oI love power point! (I’m trying to widen the

variety of my smiley faces.) is this another one of your law suits?

AUTHORS NOTE: She’s getting really creative with these faces. So hard

to get them all.

You: It’s one that involved the police

and legal guardians

death threats

JENNIFER LAWRENCE:  You were minors at the time I’m guessing?

You: friends with guns

i was..

how old was i..

i was the minor

she was 19

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Of course. You and the older women.

You: Haha the older women thing is completely unintentional.. i don’t

go out of my way to seek them

it just happens..

perhaps i’m a lamp

and the the older flies are attracted to the brightness

uhh

just threw up in my mouth writing that

that was so bad

i’m sorry

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: AWWW are you calling yourself bright?

AUTHORS NOTE: There was a smiley face there. One face at a time.

You: ahhh

so sorry

WHISPER late night NICK STEWART: losing coherence

You:  did you make love

prior to him falling asleep while his cereal digested?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Not tonight. His cereal won.

You: ha, beat you to it.. do you ever… while he’s sleeping?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: If he’s asleep and I want to have sex…  I just

wake him up with a blow job and then get on top.

I’m scared the things I’ve said to you and have messaged you will be

brought to the public like your stories I’m reading.

AUTHORS NOTE: JENNIFER LAWRENCE, don’t be crazy. Nick is much more

original than that.

You: JENNIFER LAWRENCEunpredictability is IDEAL especially coming from

someone who is seemingly a disney channel character..

saying that in the best way possible.. over text i can’t be as

emphatic. i knew you’d say that.. but when you arrive at the ending..

you’ll discover why i cant

Author’s Note: When you get to the ending of this you’ll discover why he did.

You: EVER do this again

You: What do you like JENNIFER LAWRENCE?

Imagine me whispering that..

texting is so strange.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: I asked you first. I like texting. It’s easier to

say exactly what you’re thinking because you’re not really saying it

at all.

You: no uhmm.. no pauses… everything is beautifully choreographed

aside from the ironic spell checker however no nice complexion of

JENNIFER LAWRENCEto ensure that what i say has not crossed the line or

made you mad.. laugh… happy

i asked first

who is JENNIFER LAWRENCEwhich somehow correlates to WHAT DO YOU LIKE?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: You know who I am. What do you like?

You: I never knew JENNIFER LAWRENCEwould take such immaculate

initiative with her “husbfriend” especially considering he is

unconscious you crazy sexy necrophiliac!

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Hahaha you make it sound like a bad thing. You

wouldn’t like that?

You: ohhhh JENNIFER LAWRENCE.. text is so ambiguous.. i would LOVE

that… CORRECTION.. ICE CREAM TERMINOLOGY:: GOTTA HAVE IT!

AUTHORS NOTE: You bought her ice cream and you had three sizes for the

scoops: LIKE IT, LOVE IT, GOTTA HAVE IT!

You: in all actuality a  proud experiencer of it.. i was torn between

reality and a wonderful dream however was disappointed to the person i

woke up to find nibbling on the tip of my manhood..

JENNIFER LAWRENCE.. you have nice lips.. nice teeth

so white and coordinated correctly

you took care of them growing up?

braces?

listerine? whitening?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Hahahaha gotta have it. You’re so clever. Yes

braces. And no whitening. Just brush my teeth 🙂 I never worn my

retainer which lead to me losing it. Then my orthodontist killed his

family then committed suicide so I never got to see him again for a

replacement retainer so my bottom teeth are quite crooked.

Imperfection in perfection. Nickolaus. What do you like?

You: Your bottom teeth were so bad that it made your orthodontist go

on a killing spree!? I haven’t been that close to your mouth… but

I’m a risk taker and very curious how your mouth makes people die… i

aspire to die a little with you. I’m trying to guess what you like..

but i’m assuming you’re quite open minded in the bedroom.. however not

too sure if you’re submissive or are one to take CONTROL..

vocalization is very imperative

communication is KEY

moans are kinky inclinations

kind of a verbal red bull

but can’t imagine you doing such things

you’re a tough one to crack..

i was spit balling

was i far from being right?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Justine says you’re 19 years old and it’s dated

2013. You were not a minor?

You: was hoping you wouldn’t read it.. 2013 was going 17-18 I loathe

the numbers. how did you know?

You: are you talking to her

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Yes. Her number is in here so I messaged it and she

did respond saying it’s her. She’s a little mad about how I got her

number tho….. I’m completely just kidding.

AUTHORS NOTE: JENNIFER LAWRENCEalways says JUST KIDDING

You: the hair was standing on my arms as i was reading your message

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: It’s past 1:00. Are you going to be heading to

sleep? Have you moved from your desk to bed? Haha I’m sorry. Didn’t

mean to scare you.

You: still at desk.. i consumed a cannoli earlier so i’m sugared up

how are you feeling

tired?

must be.. walking around fry’s makes me tired.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Gravitas rainbow? Are you writing another Justine

story or are you reading it too?

You: uh oh.. you clicked zoom.. GRAVITYS RAINBOW by thomas pynchon!

the book i was talking about earlier that is extremely hard to

entangle.  i apologize for the food on the table.. i did kind of get

lost by re-reading JUSTINE and have not been able to stand to go to

wash dishes while i simultaneously watch seinfeld

You never answered my questions about your dialogue while you indulge lust

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: You never answered my question. What you like?

You: and then you’ll answer my questions?

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: That’s how it’s always been hasn’t it?

AUTHORS NOTE: And it always will be.

You: never know when i’m at the edge of the plank near the deep of the

ocean.. don’t want to dive head first alone

i am diving first JENNIFER LAWRENCE

make sure to come in after me okay

water freezing

you use my briefs

i use your body

for

warmth.

care to elaborate

the questions

seems a bit broad

what do i like

hmm..

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: You can take that question however you’d like.

Where does your mind go when I ask that?

You: okay I’m at a museum with your question on the canvas and must

INTERPRET like a pseudo-intellectual with a pipe who really wants to

get laid so he makes..

I like…

well MY question is in relation to the lights off underneath covers

with another bag of bones next to you

so i would say.. considering i’m expecting the same answer from you

i like..

AUTHORS NOTE: We’re skipping over you.

You: Its strange you must experience it to get that new FLAVOR

to understand

but hopefully my elaborate answer has satisfied your curiosity.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE’S TURN!

This should be..

GOOD

JENNIFER LAWRENCE: Submissive and control always changes from whom

initiates it. If I’m in the mood I do the positions I want and if he

starts it I’m all his. Of course moaning is great but never faked.

Never have been one to scream but I still like to get my face pushed

into the mattress or pillow or couch cushion or what have you to stop

the screaming. Since you’ve told me your favorite part of a female

body I’ll do the same. I love testicles. I love them smacking my face

as he jerks himself off and smacking my pussy as he fucks me. I

continuously have healing scabs on my hips from him holding onto me so

tight as he fucks so fast. Oh. And spanking is always encouraged but

that’s really a given. What female doesn’t like that?

AUTHORS NOTE: Can we just end it here?

Elliot Rodger Receives Help From Jennifer Lawrence

Tags

college, elliot rodger, gun laws, hunger games, jennifer lawrence, santa barbra

If I’m promoting myself as a rudimentary misogynist with a distinct plan to stick my tongue out at humanity for a brief 8 minutes, shouldn’t I have a decapitated slut in the back seat to prove my point? I mean… To exhibit how serious I am about all of this. Maybe If I park here in front of these trees where the sun casts its glow on my handso- I mean ugly face; It will demonstrate that humanity pales in comparison to nature. I mean, there are a lot of trees back here. Is it too excessive? Does the sun make me look like an egomaniac? It’s practically a spotlight on ME. The last thing I want in this video is a contradiction. Oh! What If I play with the lens on my DSLR to make the steering wheel on my BMW come into focus to blur out my face. Ah, this sun is too bright! I’m not squinting by I’d rather not be in pain while I deliver my excellent monologue that will potentially get me movie roles! What if I put on my sunglasses? Geez, I look like a douche bag! How will my audience be able to see into my soul and notice that I got my eyebrows done particularly for this video?! I look morbidly horrendous. Maybe I should get a haircut first. I’ll look too needy. I’m going for casual. Yeah, just my camera and I. Just sitting in my BMW, nonchalantly talking about killing people. Okay, how should I begin this? It’s got to be all in one shot to make it look natural. Authenticity is what it’s all about when it comes to death threats. Jesus, it’s stuffy in here. I don’t want to roll down my window all the way cause then it looks like I’m an extroverted kind of dude. I’m low on gas so I don’t want to turn on the air conditioner. I’m waiting on a check from my father, then I’ll have all the cool air I want. I’ll crack the window a little; I’ll be in limbo of destroying/desiring humanity, but I’ll be comfortable. ACTION!

“Yo, yo, yo! Elliot Rodger here!” What the fuck? I’m not your friend.

“You’re a dodger fan? I’m a Rodger fan.” Eh, too narcissistic.

“Oh, didn’t see you there, but I’m glad you saw me.” I don’t care about you.

“Hi, Elliot Rodger here.” Simplicity is key, however I wasn’t too crazy about the tone. Oh, you know who I love? The Joker from the Dark Knight. You think people will realize that I’m copying a villain from a fictional movie that I idolize daily? I mean, I’m going for sinister. I’m taking something and I’m turning it into my own thing; in fact, I think I’m making it better.

I don’t know what to say next… Oh! My dad will know what to do! 
RING! RING! RING! 
He always waits till the last ring.

“Hello?” An unknown woman’s voice is heard.

“Hello respectable young woman with a lovely voice who I will never kill or rape because we are equal individuals in society.” I think I’m playing this off very well.

“Ehh, what is your reason for this call?” Oh, she wants to choke my cock until it’s exploding with white fluids, leaving a display all over her overcompensating push up bra!

“May I please speak with my father?”

KESHA PLAYS WHILE I AM ON HOLD. I put the phone on speaker because I just can’t get enough. I sing along. 
”WHAT YOU GOT BOY IS HARD TO FIND. I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. I’M ALL STRUNG OUT NOW. MY HEART IS FRIED. I JUST CAN’T GET YOU OFF MY MIND.” Ahh, she’s such a SLUT, SLUT, SLUT. 

”Hello,” My father is on the phone.

“Yes, father. I’m making a video in which I threaten humanity because you were never there for me growing up henceforth I need some attention from the public. I can’t seem to think of what to say.”

“Hold on son, let me transfer you to Jennifer Lawrence who would be more than happy to help you out. I’m kind of busy raising a daughter.”

KESHA SINGS TO ME MELODICALLY 


”Jennifer Lawrence speaking.” Ah, what a slut.

“Yes, you’ve been known to receive critical acclaim for your films and even gain attention from your fans for just being you. Take for instance, tripping on the red carpet TWICE or throwing up in front of Miley Cyrus. You know how to get attention from the crowd. I’m making video in which I threaten to destroy humanity. But I can’t think of the proper things to say to convey my message. What do you think I should say, respectable 23 year old woman I would never objectify?”

“Sounds easy. First and foremost, lets start with tone. Heath Ledger is always my favorite pick in terms of death threats. You won’t sound pretentious at all. I’m going to give you a list of words to say that will not sound repetitive or silly at all. Write this down. DESTROY, ANNIHILATE, RETRIBUTION, VENGEANCE, and you should stress how much humanity disgusts you. Now, is this something coming out of passion or are you just seeking attention for a movie role or something?”

“Definitely just want attention, but I don’t want to show that.”

“Is this a growing up without a father thing?” Jennifer Lawrence is such a slut.

“Oh yes, without a doubt.”

“Okay, than you certainly need to convey that you’re a kid who gives off the impression that your outlook has been distorted by excessive viewings of pornography, television, and movies, giving you exceedingly high expectations and false hope; essentially, that there was just no moderation growing up. That you spend the majority of your life playing video games. That’s where using a gun makes sense in all of this.”

“Wait, you think I should actually act on the threats?”

“Oh yeah! Absolutely, unless this a ALL BARK AND NO BITE kind of thing.”

“Well, when you put it that way…”

“Use a gun. Act on your threats. You’ll be on TV in no time! Isn’t that cool?!”

“Infamy?”

“Oh, one last thing before I let you go! You need to have an effective giggle after the evil things you say. Somewhat of a KILL ALL, insinuation giggle. It won’t sound silly at all. Everyone that watches your video will take you seriously. No one will laugh at your giggle… Depending on your execution of the giggle of course. I have to go and be famous and get attention the clinically sane way. Godspeed, Elliot Rodger!”